There are a lot of agencies who educate and help victims of rape, sexual assault and domestic violence. One that I really like is RAINN. Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. http://www.rainn.org/ Below is a paragraph taken from their website that explains what they do:
One of America's 100 Best Charities — Worth Magazine”
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization and was named one of "America's 100 Best Charities" by Worth magazine. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org) in partnership with more than 1,100 local rape crisis centers across the country and operates the DoD Safe Helplinefor the Department of Defense. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help victims and ensure that rapists are brought to justice.
I came across a really cool organization called Project Unbreakable. http://project-unbreakable.org/ Below is a couple of paragraphs taken from their website explaining what they do, who they are.
About Project Unbreakable
The mission of Project Unbreakable is to increase awareness of the issues surrounding sexual assault and encourage the act of healing through art.
In October of 2011, then 19 year old Grace Brown was a photography student living in New York City. One day, while out on a Saturday night, a friend told Grace her story of sexual assault – and it became the story that would change Grace’s life forever. Unable to comprehend the darkness that goes on in our society, Grace went to bed that night losing faith in humanity and counting the number of people she knew who were abused. The next morning, she woke up with the idea for Project Unbreakable.
Originally, Project Unbreakable was meant to stay small, simply a way to spread awareness but it has since evolved into a healing project for sexual assault survivors where they are photographed holding a poster with a quote from their attacker. Survivors also have the option of submitting a photo of themselves holding their own poster to be featured on the website. Since the project’s conception, Project Unbreakable has included over 1500 photographs of survivors, from Grace’s photography to submissions to other group’s recreations of Project Unbreakable.
Currently, Grace Brown travels to colleges and universities around North America to discuss the importance of sexual assault awareness and to showcase the work of Project Unbreakable.
My husband and I served an LDS Service mission with LDS Family Services for in the Addiction Recovery Program. Something I learned during our mission is that addiction thrives in secrecy. As time has gone on I have come to the realization that domestic violence, rape and sexual assault thrive in secrecy as well. Anything "bad" or inappropriate will thrive in secrecy. What I like about this project is that victims are coming out of hiding and telling their stories. What their attackers, or family and friends who did not believe them, said are no longer a secret. Using your voice can be very healing. Project Unbreakable gives victims a voice.
WARNING: Project Unbreakable is very graphic. They do not black out any sort of language that might be offensive. It is what the attacker said, word for word. The site is a potential trigger for victims as well.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
During recent training at Safe Harbor we addressed various topics including reasons why there is such a significant problem with domestic violence, rape and sexual assault. I don't claim to have THE answer. I just hope to help make people around me aware.
Did you know that by the age of eighteen, 1 in 4 women will have been raped or sexually assaulted?Below is part of family photos taken a couple of years ago. Take a look at me and the girls. Cute, right?!? Now repeat the statistic I just shared with you: 1 in 4 women will have been raped or sexually assaulted by the time they turn 18 years old. Which one of us will it be?
I use this picture to help make it more real. I am in no way saying that this has happened to us, I am just using the picture as an example. As a society we tend to think, "Not my kids", "Not in our community", "That only happens in low socioeconomic classes", or "It only happens with (insert a race here)". Well it does happen and more often than anyone would ever guess. Ninety of every 100 victims know their attacker. We often have the perception of an attacker as the stereotypical guy in the bushes jumping out at a girl in the middle of the night. And while that does happen, it is rare.
I have an issue with advertising. It is an issue that has bothered me long before my recent training. Advertising and marketing has become so overly sexualized where women and young girls are objectified and portrayed in ways that are fantasized and simply not real. Our overtly sexual advertising and marketing is one of the things that contributes to a consistent rise in domestic violence, rape and sexual assault.
We tend to observe more with our eyes more than any other of our physical senses. And while we may hear good things or talk about good and uplifting things, our eyes are bombarded with visual messages of women and girls of a sexual nature, and of how we are supposed to look and act. Go through the social media posts of girlfriends and the young women in your life. What messages do you think they are giving and/or receiving?? How do we often pose or act through social media? It's safe to say that women and girls are falling prey to what they see. I don't think a lot of us realize it. Like I said, I don't have THE solution. Watch this clip with your girlfriends, daughters or whole family and then LET'S TALK ABOUT IT. Talking is probably the best solution. Become aware and talk about it. Ask the questions: "Why is this wrong"? "How does it make you feel"? "What can we do to not fall into this"?
Side note: watch it alone first before deciding to watch with others. It's not inappropriate, but depending on the ages of those you may want to watch it with, it may be a bit graphic .
Have you seen positive e-cards or quotes about dressing modestly or loving your curves in the feeds of your social media? Not so much, right?? We want to love our curves and realize that we don't have to dress immodestly to get attention, but too often see posts like the following:
"LOVE YOUR CURVES!"
Do you see what I see? I see a woman in a modest bathing suit but she is posed provocatively, in various ways that portray her as sexual. The quote may say to love your curves but the image is sending a totally different message. Just something to think about.
I recently finished training to become a Rape and Sexual Assault Victim Advocate. Needless to say the training was long and wore on me mentally and emotionally. Last Sunday B and I were driving and having a discussion about politics. This conversation started because we have a friend being furloughed by the federal government. This conversation led us to discussing several things including the topic of advertisement and it's impact on how women are viewed, domestic violence,rape and sexual assault (random, I know). I will spare you on the details of the full discussion.
It ended with me voicing how defeated I feel at times. There really isn't a definite solution to all these issues. What exactly can I do to feel like I am making an impact or at least not participating in issues such as these? Like not shopping where advertising portrays women as sexual objects. If I boycotted every company advertising women as objects I couldn't shop anywhere. Then I began to feel like trying to do anything at all was pointless. I'm just one person, and when you add up anything I could do and compare it to the severity of these issues, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't even be able to see what ever it was that I did. I'm not trying to be a "negative nelly", just realistic.
During the conversation, I remembered that the only thing in this life I have control over is myself. As the days passed, I remembered a quote from my favorite TV show, M*A*S*H. There is an episode where Hawkeye and BJ take it upon themselves to put a stop to another soldier who gives young Korean kids money for bringing him miscellaneous junk, which he then turns into trinkets and sells as war souvenirs. In the episode, the kids were getting wounded, going out into mine fields and collecting the stuff. After working on a young boy BJ and Hawkeye decide they have had enough and were going to put stop to it. At the end of the episode they are successful in putting a stop to the soldier who was putting people in harms way at the 4077th. Before the reckless soldier leaves, he comments, "You may have stopped me but what are you going to do about the dozens of other guys out there doing the exact same thing? Do you plan to change the whole war"? BJ shrugs his shoulders and responds, "No. Just our corner of it".
Now I'm sure I am paraphrasing, but I hope you get the gist. What I have control over is my corner. And my corner is where I am going to be able to make the greatest impact. Brandon said it best during that drive, "When all is said and done, I think it will be those small acts of kindness that are done in secret and without recognition that will make the biggest impact in this life". So I hope to preserve my corner as a place where others feel safe, loved and supported. This blog is part of my corner and I guess it is an ok place to write about the things that matter most to me. Maybe, hopefully, it will have an impact on someone. Maybe the biggest impact will end up helping only me. Who knows. I'm grateful to be reminded that I don't have to do something "Big". That something "Big" is actually quite simple and easy and can occur "my corner" of it all.
Part of me writing this post is to let you, whoever you are, know that I plan to post things that I come across which pertain to the things mattering most to me. Some of these things are bringing about awareness about domestic violence, rape and sexual assault. Some of the things I post might be a little graphic. I won't post things that are inappropriate, but they may be things that could be potential "triggers" to a victim of such issues or maybe the content may simply make you uncomfortable. This post is not the only "heads up" I will provide. I will put in a warning on any post that has to do with something that could be a potential trigger to a victim or is a little graphic in nature so that you can choose whether or not to continue reading that particular post.
I really like Instagram. Mainly because I like seeing what all my friends and family are up to. I posted my first "Transformation Tuesday" photo today. As I was creating the picture I suddenly thought what it would be like if I could post one that reflected the transformation that has occurred in the most important areas. My heart and my mind.
I knew I was overweight. It's kinda hard to notice 5 or 10 pounds but 84 pounds in under two years is obvious. Right??? I was never embarrassed about my weight. Probably because I was dealing with much bigger things in my life. Like living in an abusive relationship, for starters.
The transformation that has taken place inside, by far, out weighs the pounds lost. If we pulled out a scale, the kind where you can compare the weight of two objects at the same time (I don't know the technical name and am not in the mood to Google it!) and put the pounds, inches and fat lost on one side and then put each of the things I've let go of, healed from, changed, forgiven (of myself and others), accounted for, apologized for, accepted and overcome...I think the scales would tip to the side holding all the change that has occurred on the inside.
I did a lot of things to change. But tonight, I want to acknowledge that the true, deep, final, healing is because of my brother. Because of His atonement, I was and am able to take each of those things and not place them on a scale to be measured but on His shoulders, for Him to bear. I learned the atonement is so much more than for transgression. It is for everything. Our good moments. Our agonizing ones. I had to do a lot of work. As I went through the outreach program at the shelter, met with a therapist, my Bishop, stayed close to my family and friends, and started to allow myself to heal I found that He was there, waiting for me to hand it over for Him to bear. He had always been there. I learned, I changed, and as I did, I healed.
I still have trials. They aren't easy. But a peace runs down the center of my storm. Because of Him. That peace is how I know I will be Ok. "Life is not about weathering the storm. But learning how to dance in the rain." I slowly learned how to dance in the rain, on my own. I continued to grow and heal. Now, I'm glad I have a partner in life to dance in the rain with. Despite what ever kind of storm we may face, I know he wakes up each day and chooses to dance with me.
On the left: 2008 @ 264 pounds. Six months after this photo was taken I filed for divorce and started my journey from being a victim of domestic violence, to a survivor and finally, a conqueror.
This last week was not good with my diet. I haven't counted calories but that isn't my confession. From Tuesday night to Wednesday afternoon, I ate a package of Chips a Hoy cookies.
Yes. The whole package.
By myself.
This was something I did weekly during my first marriage. That relationship was very abusive and food is how I coped. Cookies were my favorite way of coping.
I guess that this week, that is how I coped. Nothing has really happened. I have a lot on my plate, B and I have a lot on our plates. Just like everyone else. I've felt overwhelmed lately and that is how I coped. I haven't done that kind of eating in YEARS.
I threw the package away deep in the garbage can. I didn't want B to know. Not because he would care. But because I needed to hide it. I didn't want him or anyone to know. I realized that eating the bag of cookies isn't the real issue. It was that I was hiding it. So, I told Jake. I told B. Now I told you, whoever "you" are. I'm not going to let old ways of coping creep back in. I'm also not going to beat myself up about the cookies. I'm overt it.
No. I did not eat the whole pan! (Insert Jake's angry eyes, here) I did have a piece when I came home today. My other snacks were much better choices and while the piece of cake was not ideal, I didn't let it derail my entire day. It's almost 7:30 p.m. and I still need to eat about 300 calories. My goal is to have only 500 calories to eat by 6 p.m.
I plan to not just share my success or the prefect moments. I hope to share the hard moments and plain ugly ones. I want to pass on what others have taught me as well.
I have a friend that I really look up to. Not just because she is that girl that always looks pretty, has a smile on her face and positive attitude. Ok, maybe that's why....in addition to several other things. Truly, I'm surrounded by amazing women who are my friends. She writes as well. I love her blog. So much of what she writes, I relate to and believe. I've learned a lot and want to pass it on. Check out her blog.
A friend of mine has started a blog. Let me just say, I love it! And her. She really is as beautiful as she looks. Top it off with the fact that she's nice and genuine, not to mention smart and driven. The type of girl you want to hate but can't because underneath how pretty she is, is an amazing person and the kind of woman you can't help but look up to. And....she cracks me up!
She has been a big support in my health goals and very helpful. I love that she is always willing to teach me and share what she knows.
I decided it was time to go buy a new swimsuit. I've spent the summer pulling my swimsuit up, down, left and right. I've been on constant guard to make sure I didn't end up flashing anyone. The only problem I have not had is it creeping up on me. No complaints on that last one.
I LOVED my last swimsuit. Loved it. I found it at Target a couple of years ago. The brand is, love your ASSETS by Sara Blakely,Spanx. I loved the suit so much because it was a cute swimsuit that fit. When you are in a XXL or bigger, finding a swimsuit that fits and is cute is like going to Walmart and not only finding rock star parking (a spot upfront by the door) but also walking in to find they've moved milk to the front of the store AND created a checkout stand for "milk purchases" ONLY. Therefore eliminating the need for you to maneuver through the store for about 3/4 of a mile and around about one thousand people to get a gallon (or two) of milk, to then turn around and repeat the trek to the front of the store. By that time you can't feel your fingers and only three of the thirty check stands are open. Did I mention that all three have ridiculously long lines?
It's that hard. Promise. An added perk of the suit is the Spanx. It sucks you in but not too much. Smooths you out a little and stays put. So I went back to Target with the hope that they still carried them. They do! I bought my new swimsuit and to my surprise, the size I needed was Large. I haven't worn that size, in a swimsuit, in about 7 years. My hard work is paying off!
Side note: Due to the suit being Spanx, the effort required to wiggle in, is quite a bit. Worse than tights/pantyhose or tight jeans. This is one "show" my husband does not witness. I don't recommend changing in a bathroom stall. You need more room.
This blog started in 2008 and at that time, the focus was on my story/experience in coming out my first marriage that involved domestic violence. The blog has changed over the years and I've even just left it alone for quite some time. I haven't had time to change or update the right column with the 'reads', 'blogs I follow', etc. I will update it, at some point. When I have time. HA!
For several months I have considered writing in my
blog again. I had stopped writing for many reasons. Catching everyone up has seemed overwhelming. I figure I will just start today
and gradually catch you up as I write.
At the end of January I started a part time job working at a
gym during which time they were beginning a 90-day weight loss challenge for it's members. I happened to mention to one of their personal trainers that
I wished I could join in on the challenge but that the days/times they were meeting didn't work with my crazy schedule. That conversation resulted in me agreeing to work with the trainer. I was both excited and terrified. Having been in
good shape most of my life (up until my mid-twenties), I thought I knew what I was agreeing to and how hard the work would be. As it
turns out, I had no clue what I had actually agreed to and truly had no idea how hard it
was going to be!! My 20-year-old body
is LONG gone and I now have to deal with my relationship with food and understand why I
eat what I eat. Its been a very different experience from
being young with no real life experience, enjoying good metabolism, and having the time
to be in the gym, as active as I wanted.
DUH.
Four months later I'm frequently asked the question, “What are you doing to get such good
results???”
Ready for my secret????
Diet and Exercise.
Yup. You read it right. I meet with my trainer Jake three times a week for 30
minutes each session. I workout on my
own the other days. No, I do not workout
7 days a week. I don’t workout 6 days a
week. I'm with Jake the 3 days then I do my
best to get back to the gym additional days as my schedule allows to do cardio. No, I don’t
spend hours working out. When working out on my own,
I do cardio for about 30 minutes occasionally some strength training.
During the first session with Jake he took my body measurements,
figured out my body fat percentage and weighed me. He calculated how many calories I needed to
consume each day to function appropriately, fuel my body, and lose weight. He also talked to me about my diet and what needed to change. The goal was set to lose 1-2 pounds a week.
Plain and the simply I eat between 1,800 and 2,000 calories a
day. Not more and definitely not less (I have learned the hard way how much not eating enough calories can derail your progress). I eat “clean”. I basically cook at home as much as
possible. I don’t eat processed foods or full of sugars/preservatives. I avoid drive-thrus and drinking my favorite soda (Coke). In addition to our sessions, Jake continues to teach me about my diet.
There have been days where my calories have come from
drive-thrus or old favorites and most of the time I have still been able to lose weight, not as much though. When I don’t
eat clean I feel like crap. I bloat,
ache, and working out is harder. I get tired and feel just plain icky. When I eat the right foods I not only
lose more weight but I also have much more
energy and feel really good (That is one
of the best parts)! I also sleep better at night, unless our dog Charlie wakes me to go out. For the
first time since age 22, I sleep without a sleep aid (prescription or over-the-counter drug). Even when I was taking something to help me sleep back then, I could not sleep through the night. Now I do.
I wake up in the morning easier and more energized. My skin looks better. I feel better. Inside and out. And my pants are baggy!!
Yesterday Jake took my four-month measurements…Check out my
progress. Who knew that diet and
exercise would give such amazing results, inside and out?!?!?
I went to my first Time Out For Women Conference a couple of weeks ago. Time Out For Women, is a conference for women (obviously), where we go to recharge while listening to great musical guests and speakers all based off of LDS principles. I was blown away at how great this was! The presenters were amazing and we got to hear Michael McLean and Mercy River perform....two of my favorite artists!!
Edna, a missionary we serve with, bought some tickets and a bunch of girls got together and went. Three of us had a pajama party at Edna's Friday night and then headed over Saturday morning to meet up with everyone else. When leaving on Friday, Luke was pretty sad and asked why I had to go and if he could ride with Dad to drop me off. He went in to the store with me to get some treats and he picked out some pringles potato chips. When I saw him on Saturday, he asked me if I had got his note. A little confused, I went to my bag....in my bag was the safety seal of his pringles, with a little note on it for me. This made my weekend. I love Luke. He is such a thoughtful boy and brings so much joy into my life!!
